it’s half past four and i come outside to sit in the shadows and ponder and for a short period of time – too short really – there’s an uncanny silence. you know the thing, when just briefly the world seems to stop. to cease. to rest and relax and quit fretting. it’s an illusion of course and in truth the world continues to busy itself as it must – somewhere it’s daylight, somewhere else it’s noon, far from here it’s the end of a day and not its beginning and people wearied from their own noise are going to bed.
but i sit in that short dark silence and pretend it’s real because pretending is after all my forte and it’s nice to think that the world might have stopped for a moment, for me, and to waste this seems wrong when so many are trying to escape their noise. then i hear a car, in the distance, on the ring road – not one car really, it’s many, but the swish of wheels on the tarmac is continuous and so it does sound like one long car taking forever to pass, or one short car going evenly around in circles. perhaps it’s lost.
and the silence is broken. it doesn’t come back. i’m glad i grabbed it whilst it was there but equally happy it’s gone because i think if it stayed too long it would become frightening. noise is what we know. total silence, for all its therapeutic qualities, isn’t a natural state – there’s always something, a heartbeat at least.
i was disappointed yesterday with the venom i saw in this online world. not disappointed in the individuals per se – they have faith in their grievances – but disappointed with the mass. the pushing aside of love and forgiveness in favour of bile and more noise. what are we doing to ourselves? i thought.
i tried, before i switched on this computer and flooded my eyes with light, to capture the black and greys of my terrace before dawn. the shapes of wall tops and roofs and plant pots and my lovely big tree – the moon, a tiny crescent peeking through its dark leaves – but the ghosts thwarted me and would not play. the battery failed, the camera switched off. the noise of wheels on tarmac started up, my mind shifted to other thoughts and the moment was lost.
now i see no shadows or shapes. the bright glow from my screen surrounds me like a modern ghost with modern sensibilities and no thought for subtlety, for peace. it’s hard to see anything when one dominant light pervades and harnesses the eye’s focus – rudely, i think – and so i shall switch this off again and catch the last of those black and grey shadows before the night fades, the noise grows and another day begins.